Radiant Falcon Presents: Ultra 64
by Radiant Falcon
Summary: Videogames: Abridged. Don't Miss the Current Condensation - Mortal Kombat: Shinken Kourin Densetsu! (also called MK1.) and while you're at it, read and review! you have nothing to lose! except maybe your sanity.
1. Ultra 64: Sonic 3

Well, Well. I am who they call Synapse X, and I'm resuming work on this largely abandoned super-condensation of various games. I called this mess Project Supra, but now I'm-a callin' it ULTRA 64, due to the fact that I plan to have 64 games condensed into somewhat-tiny bits.

First up: Sonic the Hedgehog 3.

_After the Death Egg BLEW UP in the events of Sonic 2, Eggman decided to try something DIFFERENT._

Eggman: Har. I shall steal this thingy.

_Unfortunately, Eggman doesn't know what THIS THINGY is, so he GOES out LOOKING for it._ _Meanwhile, Sonic and Tails were enjoying a relaxing day on the beach. WHEN SUDDENLY Tails decides to take a JOYRIDE in Sonic's plane, and Sonic, of course, is at the wing._

Sonic: HAAAAAAAA!

_With that SCREAM of POWER, Sonic transforms into Super Sonic, and goes off to this unknown ISLAND in the middle of the SEA._

Sonic: WHOOOOOO-Ow!

_So then Sonic RUNS-or FLIES, rather,- Right into some RED ECHIDNA guy and throws his seven CHAOS EMERALDS that he just happened to have had on him at the time all over the place._

Knuckles: Boo. I'm-a taking these. All seven of 'em.

_KNUCKLES takes the SEVEN CHAOS EMERALDS faster than you can say "SAY-GUH". THEN Sonic and Tails go through Angel Island. They get about halfway there, when they see..._

Fire-breathing mechanism-contraption thingy: We didn't start the fire. It's been burning since the world's been turning.

_The Sub-boss totally ruinates the place by SETTING IT ON FIRE. After a quick runthrough again, they meet up with the sub-boss, totally making its head spin with the Flame Barrier you should've got by now. But then there's the matter of Angel Island Zone being ON FIRE that Sonic and Tails have to go through. But then, they find this big golden ring like in Sonic 1._

Sonic: Nostalgia Alert!

_Sonic, being the dumbass he is, jumps into it, and is whisked away to the SPECIAL STAGE, this time a sphere in which you have to turn blue spheres into red spheres. ALL OF THEM._

Sonic: DAMMIT!

_He wins, and gets one of those Chaos Emeralds he lost. Afterwards they are chased by the Flying Battery, which drops tha bomb on you. Or rather, it should've. After that encounter and the obligatory Eggman-machine trashing and birdie freeing, you find KNUCKLES on top of a cliff._

Knuckles: Take this, Jerks!

_Knuckles JUMPS on a conveniently located Bridge killer button. You then fall right into HYDROCITY ZONE, Which looks ROMAN to me._

Sonic: GAH! WATER!

_Unfortunately, Sonic CANNOT SWIM and hold his breath underwater for more than THIRTY SECONDS at a time. SOMEHOW he gets through Acts one and two, eventually encountering RAD RED. Knux hits another bridge destroying device, and Sonic and Tails find themselves against Eggy again._

Eggman: HAHAHAHA! I'm too high up for you to jump on me!

_He is. But STUPIDLY Eggman launches a bomb at Sonic's FOOT. Then Sonic JUMPS, and is propelled high in the air. Eggman winces. Seven hits later and Eggy's machine sinks. After you free the birdies again, the duo hears rumbling. Then suddenly a big geyser comes up and launches Sonic and Tails into MARBLE GARDEN ZONE._

Sonic: The name sounds like Marble Zone.

_DESPITE SIMILARITES, the Marble Garden does not have any roman buildings or lava flows. ANYWAY, About halfway into Act II, Sonic activates an earthquake button. _

Sonic: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

_SOMEHOW Sonic makes it through the stage unscathed. Then Eggman appears with a drill machine similar to the one he had in Sonic 2. Then he FLIES INTO THE AIR. This is the time where Tails comes to save your sorry ass and helps you defeat the Drill Machine in AERIAL COMBAT. Then, in a surprise twist, Sonic and Tails warp to Carnival Night Zone, the obligatory Fun-with-Sonic-Physics stage. _

Sonic: HEY! There's no Pinball flippers or Slot Machine bonuses here!

_HE'S RIGHT. There is the cheap cop-out bumpers though. Anyway, You get through Act 1, then come to the infamous** CARNIVAL DRUM** part. Turns out, all you have to do is hold the down button enough to make it to the bottom passage. So then you get to another part in Act II where you encounter Knux again. Rad Red KNOCKS THE LIGHTS OUT. After you get past that part, and thrash Eggy's new machine,you go into a cannon that shoots you straight into Ice Cap Zone, the one zone whose song has been remixed more than any other song in Sonic history. Sonic whips out a snowboard OUT OF NOWHERE and rides down the mountain._

Sonic: weee! This is FUN!

_It is. Sonic's joyride through the mountain is interrupted by a FREAKIN' CLIFF and he falls off the snowboard. He goes through the mountain and meets up with a strangely familiar boss._

Sonic: Dude, you copied your own machine! Eggman, you're running out of ideas.

_After trashing that Metropolis Boss wannabe, Sonic goes through ACT 2 and somehow gets to EGGMAN. The Eggman attempts to FREEZE Sonic, but he isn't affected. Sonic JUMPS on the Egg Freezer thingy eight times. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE. After that excursion, they go to Launch Base, wherein the Death Egg is almost ready to be relaunched. They go through dozens of traps and whatnot, only to find Knuckles waiting for them at the top of a tower._

Sonic: What.

_After Knux up and destroys the tower, and you defeat the SPINNING METAL THING OF DEATH, you go to ACT 2, wherein, at the end of it, You face off against Eggman's GIANT INERT BALLS._

Sonic: What.

_After that, Eggman STUPIDLY leaves his Eggmobile behind. Sonic pulls a GTA and JACKS it. Then the Red Echidna dude shows up and PUNCHES it, doing... not much._

Knuckles: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_AND THEN THE DEATH EGG LAUNCHES. Knux FALLS OFF the girder he was on. And then you rise up to a platform, wherein Eggman gets revenge for his Eggmobile being STOLENED._

Eggman: EAT LASER.

_Eggman shoots lasers at you from his triple-tiered laser-firing contraption. Sonic makes a lot of holes in it, and Eggman retreats. Then the sky goes black._

Sonic: Uh oh. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING.

_Sonic's right. Eggman comes back as a scary looking machine that freaked me out the first time I came across it._

Eggman: HA. FEAR MY _MAGIC HAND_.

_Sonic beats it by jumping on a small hitbox not directly above the scary man. No sirree. And then the Death Egg sinks for no apparent reason. Which brings us to..._

_TO BE CONTINUED..._

How you like?

CONTINUE? Yes. Maybe. I hope so.

-Synapse X


	2. Ultra 63: Soul Edge

Today's Condensation in Ultra 64 is Soul Edge!

_There once was a time when this one dude FORGED a SWORD. An EVIL SWORD called SOUL EDGE. TEN fighters from across the world fought for it._

Mitsurugi: I'm the Samurai. My main goal is to best some rifle someone made.

Li Long: I'm the martial artist. I'm supposed to kill Mitsurugi because he killed my wife. Allegedly.

Voldo: HIISSSSSSS...

Taki: I'm the token ninja. My sex appeal level is exactly 8999.

Siegfried: I'm the knight. I accidentally killed my own father, and I will not rest until I seek vengance for him!

Rock: I'm the atypical strong dude. Does anyone care about my british origin?

Hwang Sung-Kyung: I'm Korean.

Seung Mina: Me too!

Sophitia: I'm the nice greek girl. I'm sorry!

Cervantes de Leon: I'm the freakin' pirate. I wield Soul Edge, and I'm going to take over the world!

_With this cast in play, A FIGHTING GAME ensues. In the end, Taki faces off against Cervantes._

Taki: DEATH TO CERVANTES!

Cervantes: Let's fight!

_They do. Taki wins, and as such Soul Edge SHATTERS into, like, a BILLION pieces. And then Siegfried shows up._

Siegfried: HELLO? ANYONE THERE?

_Siegfried finds Soul Edge and grabs it, unwittingly becoming the villain in future installments, Nightmare._

Nightmare: WITH THIS SWORD, I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

_Mitsurugi never does beat that rifle, and Li Long dies. Allegedly._

_**DAS END.**_


	3. Ultra 62: Simon's Quest

Today's Condensation in Ultra 64 is... Castlevania II: Simon's Quest!

_SEVEN YEARS after the events of Castlevania 1, Simon Belmont visits his family grave, when suddenly he feels a sharp pain in his back._

Simon: I hope it's not arthritis. I mean, I have to be in like my late-thirties or something.

_It's not. It's actually a CURSE that Dracula put on Simon after the first Castlevania. I bet he didn't see that one comin'._

Simon: What a horrible night to have a curse!

_It is. Somehow, he finds out that to lift the curse he has to collect Drac's body parts, ressurect him, then kill him again. So he goes off to do that, in a style of gameplay in which mirrors that of the famed Symphony of the Night, which won't happen for another two hundred or so years. Chronologically, of course._

_SO ANYWAY: Simon goes on, and finds Dracula's Rib._

Game: YOU GOT DRACULA'S RIB

_Simon then goes on to find four more of Dracula's bones, then it's off to Castlevania to strike down Drac. Simon puts together Dracula's body._

Dracula: BLAAAAAAAAAAARG!

_Simon then kills Dracula again, thus lifting the curse._

Simon: That was a horrible night to have a curse!

_ENDED._


	4. Ultra 61: Altered Beast

Today, we have another Ultra 64 condensation. This time: Altered Beast! And not that crappy-ass PS2 Altered Beast either, we're talkin' the old school Genesis version! YAY.

_IN ANCIENT GREEK TIME, some evil sorceror kidnaps Zeus's daughter. One of 'em anyway. This Sorceror plans to kill the daughter unless Zeus gives ransom. Well, the KING of the Greek Gods ain't gonna take that crap, so..._

Zeus: RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

_Zeus commands a dead guy to... rise from his grave, apparently. This dead guy would go on to kick lots of Zombie ass and whatnot. Then he gives a blue pig THE KICK._

Game: POWER UP!

Dead Guy: Awesome! I'm BUFF now!

_HE IS. He kicks two more blue pigs, and gets their orbs. HE THEN TURNS INTO A FREAKIN' WOLF!_

Wolfman: HADOUKEN!

_HE DOES ONE. Suddenly, and inexplicably, the evil sorceror shows up._

Evil Sorceror: WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM.

_He turns into a giant thing that throws his own head. The Wolfman promptly pwns that n00b. Then the Sorceror's head rises from the ground and steals your power up orbs that you got from the Blue Pigs._

_This continues for approximately four more stages, until you finally beat that bastard's ass with the form of a golden wolfman. Then you WIN the game, and the cast of the game has a party._

Game: POWER UP!

ENDED.


	5. Ultra 60: Mega Man X

WOW! Three updates to Ultra 64 in one day? INCONCIEVABLE! Anyway, Today's third Ultra 64 update is... Mega Man X!

_THE WORLD IS IN PERIL! A bald dude named Sigma gathers up eight evil themed robots and tries to take over the world! _

Sigma: Dude, let's go, like, kill the humans, and stuff.

_SO THEY DO. So then, the humans send out a wuss by the name of Mega Man X._

Mega Man X: I am in no way related to the Mega Man that came before me.

_With this in mind, he sets off to kill Sigma, but then he gets his ass handed to him by a dude in a mech by the name of Bob-I mean, Vile. Yeah. Vile._

Vile: Like, Eat this, dude!

_Suddenly, someone shoots Vile's mech in the face. It's an androgynous male named Zero. He tries to shoot him again, but Vile escapes. Zero then gives some sound advice..._

Zero: STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS!

Mega Man X: Okay. Sure, whatever.

_With this stage out of the way, X goes off to fight against THEME ROBOTS. He then encounters a capsule in Chill Pengiun's stage._

Dr. Light: I created you. Not only that, but you ARE in fact related to the Mega Man that came before you!

Mega Man X: HOLY CRAP! A REVELATION HAS OCCURED!

Dr. Light: Yeah. Anyway, take the powers in these capsules and STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS!

Mega Man X: ...K

_With these new capsule powers acquired, X defeats all eight THEMED ROBOTS and takes their powers too. Sigma is, obviously, pissed._

Sigma: I'm, like, pissed that, like, this dude up and, like, killed my dudes, and stuff.

_X and Zero reach Sigma's Fortress, in no way related to Wily's Fortress, no sirree._

Zero: Let's go fight NOW!

_This particular DYNAMIC DUO go meet up with Vile and his MECHA OF DOOM, who pwns X's ass again._

Vile: Like, HA, and stuff. So, now, I'm like, going to, like, kill you now?

_SUDDENLY! Zero Destroys Vile's Mech using HIMSELF as the weapon. X then inexplicably gets lots of power from nowhere at all!_

Vile: DUDE! Like, where did, like, all that power come from, dude?

Mega Man X: LOL, N00B.

_X promptly n00bs Vile, which he should've done in the first place, but he was too much of a WUSS to do so. Anyway, X finds half of Zero in the hallway._

Zero: X, do me a favor and DON'T BE SUCH A WUSS!

Mega Man X: K.

_Zero then kicks the bucket. X now has to fight Sigma on his own, all while not being such a Wuss. He fights against enemy spiders, enemy wall-faces, enemy cars, and finally Sigma's own dog. You finally come face to face with Siggy himself._

Mega Man X: I have bested Spider, Face, and Car! Now, I will best you, the Sigma!

_Sigma pulls out a freakin' lightsaber._

Sigma: Like, I think not, and stuff.

_They fight. X wins, but then Sigma morphs into A GIANT-ASS MACHINE OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND EVILNESS AND GENERAL UNHAPPINESS!_

Sigma: Like, I'm so totally going to kill you now, and stuff?

Mega Man X: I THINK NOT!

_They fight, and X has the balls to actually win. _

Mega Man X: I really feel bad for all those who sacrificed themselves for this victory, namely that blonde kid.

Zero's Ghost: STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS!

_The Credits roll, but after the credits, a message is intercepted._

Sigma: Like, I'm going to return, and stuff.

_Sequel, anyone?_

ENDED.


	6. Ultra 59: Mega Man X2

**Next up on Ultra 64: Mega Man X2!**

_Six months after the events of Mega Man X, the titular intrepid wuss-I mean, _hero_- is still the only one who knows how to fire a freakin' gun at the Mavericks._

Mega Man X: I do?

_Yes. It's on your arm. Anyway, Dr. Cain sends him out to kill some reploid factory with his new partner, Green Biker Dude._

GBD: -pops a wheelie-

_Unfortunately, the power of the wheelie cannot save him from being SHOT AT, and the Green Biker Dude joins the future ranks of Gate, Red, and Lumine in the famed hall of "People who get offed in the game they first appeared in, never appearing again." In other words, X once again is on his own._

_So he goes through the stage, beats the endboss, and teleports out. And then we are introduced to three mysterious men who call themselves the X-Hunters. (Counter-Hunters for you japanese fans.) Coincidentally, they have Zero's parts._

??: I'm Serges. I'm the dude who looks like Wily.

??: ME VIOLEN! ME ALSO DUMB AND STUPID!

??: Agile's the name. I'm the coolest because I have no eyes.

_With this different set of antagonists, X is sent to kill them too, but first he has to stop being such a wuss long enough to get through eight more evil themed robots who want to kill him! But first, he must find the capsules! Whoopee._

Dr. Light: What happened to the armor I gave you six months ago?

Mega Man X: I... gave it to charity?

_Despite this obvious lie, Light gives X a new armor set, and tells him to STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS. With these new capsule powers, X takes down two of the eight theme robots: Road Runner and Rapidash. _

Agile: X just took down Overdrive Ostrich and Flame Stag.

Serges: So?

Agile: Just thought I should throw that out there.

_The X-Hunters go into the remaining six stages, and try to kill X. X, despite still being a wuss, wins and gets Zero's parts, and then takes 'em to Dr. Cain._

Dr. Cain: Good job, I'll fix him. Now, be so kind as to STOP BEING SUCH A WUSS!

_X then goes through and eliminates the remaining six. Then he returns to Cain's lab, with the following conversation taking place:_

Dr. Cain: Did you know that some dude just came and stole Zero's parts?

Mega Man X: (The Kid) WHAT

_X tracks the X-Hunters to, of all places, the North Pole, as if the X-Hunters want to stop Christmas or something. He encounters Serges first, and makes him explode._

Serges: THE PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED!! -dies-

_Next is Violen..._

Violen: UNPOSSIBLE! -dies-

_And then Agile._

Agile: (Solid Snake) It's SHOWTIME! -dies-

_So then, X goes through the next stage, and encounters the real bad guy with Zero._

Sigma: Like, I bet you, like, didn't know it was me all along, and stuff.

_At this point, either you have Zero's Parts or you don't. So what happens?_

_A)_

_Sigma sends a brainwashed Zero out after X. The latter defeats the former._

Mega Man X: Do you remember me?

Zero: How could I not? Your voice sounds like a nine-year-old girl!

_B)_

_Sigma sends out Zero to deal with X, but then the real Zero shows up and destroys the bogus one._

Zero: (Revokov) Blueprints are for studying.

Sigma: Like, you were supposed to, like, _kill_ X, dude!

_Either way, Zero goes off to destroy the central computer, while X goes off dealin' with Siggy. X goes down into the Pit of Death, to face off against Wolverine Sigma._

Sigma: Like, I'm going to slice you, dice you, and make julienne fries out of you, and stuff!

_Even with Sigma's mention of julienne fries, X still defeats him and his claws. Sigma comes back as a fighting wire-frame head._

Fighting Wire-Frame Head Sigma: FINALLY! I AM FREE OF THAT STUPID SURFER DUDE ACCENT!

Mega Man X: Boom! Headshot.

_It is one. Sigma then spouts off crap about "every time you defeat me, you lose your nifty armor."_

_In the end, Sigma dies, but X and Zero contemplate._

Mega Man X: The price of peace is often high. Who or what must be sacrificed in order for it to become a reality? -looks at Zero-

Zero: ...what the hell are you looking at me for?

Mega Man X: No reason.

**EN DE DE**


	7. Ultra 58: IWBTG

**Next up on the long-awaited Ultra 64 Chopping Block of Doom: I Wanna Be The Guy: The Movie: The Game!**

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_On his fifteenth birthday, an aptly named Kid left home to become __**THE GUY!!!!!!**_

The Kid: This is going to be the best trip ever!

_It should've been. Instead it is a nightmare, filled with spikes, Killer moons, delicious fruit, Tetris blocks, and Mike Tyson…_

Mike Tyson: They say I can't lose. I say you can't win!

_Kraidgief…_

Kraidgief: roar.

_Mecha Birdo…_

Mecha Birdo: -fires eggs-

_Mother Brain…_

Mother Brain: TIME BOMB SET!

_Bowser…_

Bowser: Just try to grab me by the tail!

_And Dracula from Castlevania._

Dracula: What is a man? A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS!

_If you somehow survive to the end of the game, you face off against __**THE GUY**__!!!_

The Guy: insert Star Wars quote here

The Kid: insert response to Star Wars quote here

_They fight. The Guy uses predictable patterns, so The Kid wins. The Guy then comes back as Rangda Bangda._

The Guy: FEAR MY AMAZING FACE!

_The Guy uses less predictable patterns, but The Kid still triumphs. You are then treated to a Mega Man-style credits screen. And then, at the end of the Credits, a delicious fruit falls on you._

Game: GAME OVER!

Player: GODDAMMIT!


	8. Ultra 57: Contra

**Ultra 64 is killing aliens with the next entry: Contra!**

_**ATUHOR's NOSE - There are three different storylines for Contra: The original Japanese storyline, the American localization (which involves South America and the year 1988, instead of New Zealand and the year 2633), and the European roboticization. To avoid confusion, all Ultra 64 Contra-related stories will come from the original Japanese storylines.**_

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_It is the year of 2631 AD. A meteor falls on a small island near the New Zealand archipelago named Galuga. It's full of aliens._

Hippie: Yeah, dude! I knew they were, like, real!

_Unfortunately, these aliens do NOT come in peace. Instead, the juices of destruction drip from the spiked tongue of the vile alien organization known as Red Falcon._

_Two years later, and humanity is only now noticing that New Zealand is being taken over by those nasty aliens. So, two guys named Bill Rizer and Lance Bean are sent out to deal with this mess._

Bill: I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger! GET TO DE CHOPPA!

Lance: I'm Sylvester Stallone in First Blood. Oops. Did I say First Blood? I meant RAMBO.

_So the AHNULD and Rambo rip-offs run off, killing aliens in jungles, bases, waterfalls (that one was especially frustrating for Lance, as Bill was going too fast and he kept being left behind.) more bases, snow-covered lands, another base, a hangar, and finally coming to the Alien Hive itself. By this time, Bill was just so intent on going too fast for Lance that he was all "I'M GONNA KILL YOU when we kill the main guy" at Bill. So finally they came to the heart of the alien and they shoot it repeatedly until it dies. _

Bill: Weren't you going to kill me? _(Gets shot at.)_

Lance: Thanks for reminding me.

Probotector: WAIT. WHERE ARE WE IN THIS GAME?

_**END**_

Player 1: AW. That was such a ripoff. (_gets strangled)_

Player 2: I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW!

_**I SAID, END.**_


	9. Ultra 56: Meteos

**Ultra 64 is dropping meteors on people with our next entry: Meteos.**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE – In a record for the amount of endings an action-puzzle game has, Meteos has a grand total of TWELVE endings: Two in straight mode, SEVEN in branch mode, and three in mission mode. For this one, I'm focusing on the endings in Straight mode. Also, there are actually two different names for each of the planets in the game. One in the Western versions, the other in the Japanese version. Since I'm an American, I'm using the Western version's names.**_

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'_Twas a dark time in space, in which no one can hear you scream. The sentiently evil planet Eye of Saur-I mean, METEO, is spewing forth loads of bricks._

The Sentiently Evil Planet Meteo: Nice. I see what you did there.

_These bricks, creatively and collectively called Meteos, stack on top of planets and kill them. The various races of these planets… are in peril. Oh, and the merry civilization of Geolyte's next._

The Merry Civilization of Geolyte: AAAAAAAAH!

_But then, suddenly, three Meteos of the same color and type align and fuse together, rocketing up and sending the rest of the phantasmagoric space blocks back from whence it came. _

The Merry Civilization of Geolyte: …

_That's a good thing, you morons!_

The Merry Civilization of Geolyte: oh. YAAAAAAAAAY!

_With this new development in the field of interplanetary war, the various planets fight back, using their own methods of aligning Meteos._

The Fiery Population of Firim: We'll use our lava to make them burn! TO THE GROUND!

The Sentient Robots of Grannest: We'll somehow electrocute them, despite not having any electricity.

The Mechanized Congregation of Mekks: We'll electrocute them too, but using more powerful electricity whilst listening to 8-bit Famicom music!

The Psychic Clan of Hevendor: We're powerful psychics. To us, Meteos are but toys.

_With this knowledge in mind, the various races band together to create a spaceship made of Meteos ore: The Metamo Ark. With it, they_ _embark on a journey to __**boldly**__ do where no race has done before: destroy Meteo._

_It takes them a few levels, but they finally reach the sentiently evil planet Meteo._

The Sentiently Evil Planet Meteo: I will spew more bricks at you!

The Metamo Ark Collective: We will deflect your bricks right back at you!

_A few minutes pass. One of two things happen:_

_The Metamo Ark unleashes a powerful blow to Meteo._

The Metamo Ark Collective: Shinkuu…. HADOUKEN!

_Unlike in Street Fighter, though, this DM doesn't work. Meteo has its own trick up its sleeve…_

The Sentiently Evil Planet Meteo: Power… GEYSER!

_Yup. That did it. The Metamo Ark is severely damaged by the blow, but SUDDENLY:_

The Various Races of the Universe: I'MA FIRIN' MAH LAZAH BWAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

_Deep space lasers fire on Meteo, and kill it, saving the universe._

_The Metamo Ark unleashes a powerful blow to Meteo_

The Metamo Ark Collective: Are you okay? BUSTAH WOLF!

_The tremendous power of the DM totally destroys Meteo, but unfortunately, and I quote: "The universe was hurt and the stars were vanishing."_

Player: Sounds like a kid's book.

_Anyway, turns out that Meteos were also a resource for making planets!_

The Metamo Ark Collective: fu… sion…. HAAAAA!

_The Metamo Ark initiates a massive fusion reaction, thereby saving the universe. Either way, you beat the game. CONGLATURATION! You have beaten one of the best Nintendo DS games ever. Now go buy it and Save our planet!_

_**END!**_


	10. Ultra 55: Art of Fighting

**Ultra 64 doesn't want to learn the **_**Art of Fighting**_**, but we're doing it anyway!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: The original Neo-Geo version of Art of Fighting has a cliffhanger for an ending. The SNES version has the full ending, but removes some details, such as King's shirt getting burned off. For the sake of a story, I'm combining the two. **_

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_It's 1978. Some girl named Yuri Sakazaki has been kidnapped by a pimp generically named Mr. Big._

Mr. Big: Yeah, man, just chill.

_With this in mind, Kyokugen-ryuu practitioners Ryo Sakazaki and Robert Garcia set out to rescue Yuri from Mr. Big. But they'll have to traverse the quite dangerous city of SOUTH TOWN to do it. The question is: can they?_

Ryo: Of course. If not, there wouldn't be a story.

_So, Ryo and Robert face off against the SNK crossover cameo master himself, Ryuhaku Todoh. Yes, Kasumi Todoh fans; this was the first game that Ryuhaku appears in. But you probably already knew that, didn't you, you smug bastards?_

_Ryo asks him where his sister at._

Ryuhaku Todoh: ASK FOR IT WITH YOUR POWER! (off screen) How was that?

_Great line, Todoh. Call me. But great lines need to be backed up by great fighting, and Todoh doesn't have it, which is probably why in the official storyline, Todoh disappears and is never heard from again. But before he does, Todoh tells Ryo that Jack Turner might know._

_Anyway, Ryo gets on his motorcycle (!) and Robert hops in his Ferrari, and traverse to Mac's Bar (Mac's Café in the SNES version) and meet up with Jack Turner, leader of a biker gang._

Robert: Where's Yuri?

Jack Turner: Show respect, say 'please'. Got it, kid?

_A clear contradiction of respect as Jack blows his bubble gum in Robert's face. In retaliation, Robert unleashes his GREAT SPIRIT KICK on Jack's face._

Jack Turner: ow. Okay, we don't hurt women or children. I think I saw that girl in Chinatown.

_With that, the dynamic duo of Ryo and Robert… make a detour to train. They totally increase their spirit by slicing the corks off of bottles. After that, they go to Chinatown where they meet Lee Pai Long, chopping at them with claws. With their newly expanded spirit, they demolish Lee._

Lee Pai Long: There's a restaurant somewhere nearby. Ask for King.

_With that, they traverse to the restaurant housing King. They burn off King's shirt using their fireballs, and it turns out that King is actually a girl!_

Ryo: You're a chick?

King: Yeah, and we'll develop a relationship soon enough.

_Yeah, in another storyline, maybe. Meanwhile, King tells them to meet up with a man named Mickey Rogers, so they do._

Mickey Rogers: You're with the cops aren't you?

Robert: N-actually, yes. You're under arrest for being a moron.

_Turns out that Mickey Rogers is also weak, and so gets pummeled. That's what you get for wearing pink to a fight, Mickey._

Mickey Rogers: HEY! It worked for Dan!

_True, but Dan won't exist until 1995. Anyway, Mickey somehow has connections with the army, and so they go to an army base to fight against John Crowley. Well, they go train again, then they go against Crowley._

Ryo: What's with the Guile hair?

John Crowley: THIS ISN'T GUILE HAIR, MAGGOT!

_Sure. And this series will actually end at 65. John Crowley gets his ass whooped by Ryo and Robert's respective fireballs. Guile-hair tells them that the big boss Mr. Big is in a warehouse somewhere in South Town, and so they go._

Mr. Big: I'm keepin' it real. Awww yeah.

Robert: You've got Yuri, don't you?

Mr. Big: Just chill, man, before I whack you with my stix.

_They fight. Mr. Big whacks Robert with his stix, but the heir to the Garcia fortune triumphs anyway. Big tells them that the final boss can be found at the Kyokugen-ryuu dojo. That should've tipped them off about the final boss's identity, but Ryo goes anyway and finds… A Kim Kaphwan-scale justice deliverer called Mr. Karate._

Ryo: YOU!

Mr. Karate: I've got a lot of spirit and health. You think you can beat me?

_They fight. Mr. Karate falls, and just when Ryo is about to Haoh Sho Koh Ken his ass to kingdom come, the freed Yuri Sakazaki shows up._

Yuri: Ryo! Mr. Karate equals Takuma Sakazaki!

_Yup. Takuma Sakazaki, Ryo and Yuri's dad, is Mr. Karate. But where is Robert in all this?_

Robert: I'm heading to Mexico!

_**ART OF ENDING**_


	11. Ultra 54: Mega Man X4

**What is Ultra 64 fighting for? Peace, love, and laughter. That, and kicking ass! **_**Mega Man X4**_** is up next!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This one's pretty damn long, actually. It kinda stretches the definition of a supercondensation, but remember, this is Revokov-style.**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

_It's after the events of Mega Man X3, the one for the SNES that we didn't do._

U64 Fans: BOO! BOOO!

_Shut up. This is random selection. Anyway, TWO things are happening at the same time. One: some cloaked dude is talking to the reploid equivalent of Andre the Giant._

???: You must destroy the Maverick Hunters!

General of the Repliforce: No can do, mystery man who I'm sure has to be the bad guy from the past three games.

_Two: resident bishonen guy Zero has a nightmare, starring some guy who looks vaguely familiar…_

Dr. Wily: Our rivalry gives me motivation in life. Now kill him!

Zero: Hey, wait, aren't you dead?

_Anyway, with those two intro movies out of the way, it's time to start the game! The titular wuss from the last three games, Mega Man X, as well as the aforementioned Zero, head to Sky Lagoon for various reasons. Either way, they meet Magma Dragoon, who flies away just as the whole floating city…_

Knuckles: HEY! THAT'S MY SCHTICK!

…_goes down. Clearly he's the perpetrator. Anyway, they traverse the fallen flying city and Zero meets his girlfriend Iris. X meets diddly._

Iris: Ow, my robotic equivalent of an ankle~!

_They both fight KING DRAGON, and he falls down. Then Colonel shows up._

Colonel of the Repliforce: Oh look, there's my sister. I'm off to rescue her!

Maverick Hunters: License and registration, please.

Colonel of the Repliforce: How dare you!

_After that scandal, Repliforce decides to make their own nation of people. Er, robots._

General of the Repliforce: Today's our INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Colonel of the Repliforce: Hey, I love that movie!

???: Wait, that actually worked? Holy sh-I mean, OF COURSE IT WORKED! It's my brilliant plan, after all.

_In 21XX, war is beginning._

Double: All your base are belong to mavericks! You know what you doing?

Mega Man X: For great justice.

_Meanwhile, Iris is at Zero's side of the HQ._

Iris: My brother started the coup! Don't fight him!

Zero: No… really? I never expected that! Now I have no reason to fight him at all!

Iris: …

Zero: But I'm still going to fight him, you know.

Iris: Damn it.

_Zero traipses through enemy bases, while X finds important stuff._

Dr. Light: Here's the Force Armor. You can destroy bigger stuff with this.

Mega Man X: Does this make me less of a wuss?

Dr. Light: No.

_He's wrong. X actually gets the coolest move in the game with this armor: the Nova Strike. Anyway, Zero rushes to enemy base!_

Bosses: Wait, we have descriptive lines now? COOL!

"_X and Zero are sure they are very nice lines, but they still wipe the floor with four of the eight Maverick bosses" Who comes up with this crap?_

Revokov: …Don't look at me.

_Zero gets a call from Colonel Sanders._

Colonel of the Repliforce: I am so going to own you, n00b.

Zero: Shame on you! You caused this coup, right?

Iris: Seriously? I have to stop them? But watching them argue is sooo fun~!

_Read the script, Iris._

Iris: Awwww~

Colonel: Oh look, my chauffer's here. Next time, there will be no mercy! (leaves)

Zero: Repliforce must be stopped!

_While Iris is torn between rooting for her brother or lover, the less-wussified Mega Man X goes all macho and tackles the other three bosses and Dragoon._

Magma Dragoon: I'm going to burn you to a crisp, especially since _I _was the one to make Sky Lagoon fall.

Mega Man X: Wait, you did that?

_During this fight, you're probably in a Ride Armor, which makes the battle significantly easier. So while Dragoon is making like Akuma, X is doing Zero's thing by stabbing him. Seriously._

Magma Dragoon: Hadouken!

_Dragoon still gets his ass handed to him on a silver platter, though. Anyway, with him down, X takes down the other three: Walrus, Stingray, and Beast. With that, the dynamic duo of awesomeness encounters a problem._

Zero: Where's Iris?

X: Never mind that. LET'S GO!

_X and Zero rush to the Spaceport, leaving Double in charge. _

Casualty: Hey let's go pick on Double!

_So they do, which is a very stupid idea because…_

Double: It's MORPHIN' TIME!

_Double turns into the ridiculously named Jello Man and kills them in the bloodiest scene in Mega Man X history. That's not sayin' much, though. Meanwhile, Zero engages T3H C0L0N3L in mortal combat. (Not to be confused with Mortal __**K**__ombat.) And wins._

Colonel of the Repliforce: Though my body may die… my spirit… will live… FOREVER! (dies)

_Too bad androids don't have spirits. Anyway, Iris sees the whole thing because she's a l337 h44x0r. _

_After Colonel bites it, X and Zero go up to that one space station in orbit that isn't the Space Colony ARK! Once they get to Final Weapon, they, as screenplay man Revokov once said, "Quickly get lost and wander into identical rooms". X finds Double, who is now Jello Man._

X: You're a Maverick too? Who's next? Zero?

Double: Yep.

_Speaking of, Zero is trying to convince Iris that killing her bro was the smart thing to do._

Iris: Let's fight!

Zero: I don't wanna…

Iris: Too bad, bitch!

_They all fight. X and Zero beat them to Mega Man X character heaven. Or in the case of Double, Hell. Zero, however, is in anguish._

Zero: WHERE'S MY WIIIIIIIIIFE?

_He gets over it long enough to beat General Andre, who tells him that someone hijacked the control system for the Blowing-Up-The-World laser that all good revolutionaries have to have. Guess who?_

Zero: YOOOU!

_Yes. HIIIM._

Sigma: So, you thought you could go a whole game without me, eh? Also, Zero, this next cutscene's for you!

_A cutscene plays, effectively extending the game's length by about five minutes. Also, describing Zero's penchant for violence._

Zero: No wonder I feel like killing X all of a sudden!

Sigma: JOIN ME NAO!

Zero: ……Nah.

_They fight. Sigma is like the Space Grim Reaper, proclaiming how he's going to turn our heroes into space dust, but Zero still wins. Sigma then is like two people now: Alien O'Gun, and Large McUglyface, but Zero still wins. Then Sigma says:_

Sigma: OH YEAH. I STILL HAVE ONE TRICK LEFT UP MY SLEEVE!

_Sigma activates the laser, but then General Andre shows up to ruin Sigma's plans at the last minute. And then, after they cram into an escape pod, X and Zero contemplate._

Zero: Are we all mavericks, or is our lives controlled by an outside source…

X: You mean the player? Yeah, he's a bastard, ain't he?

**MEGA END X**


	12. Ultra 53: Star Fox 64

**WOO HOO! Ten entries down… fifty four to go! **

**Ultra 64 does barrel rolls in **_**Star Fox 64**_**, up next!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Star Fox 64 is actually a remake of Star Fox for the SNES, with several story bits retconned and several story bits added in. If you don't know the story behind Star Fox (all three of you), consider this the REAL first game.**_

_Back in the day, the governing planet of the Lylat System, Corneria, exiles its infamous scientist Andross to the planet Venom. _

Andross: I'll get you kids yet with my lasers with the pew pew pew and the piercing and the wah wah wah…

_Strange activity is detected on Venom a few years later, and Corneria sends out famous mercenary team Star Fox to go investigate. The team's headed up by James McCloud, Pigma Dengar, and Peppy Hare._

James McCloud:Groovy.

_So then they go off and investigate. Once they arrive at Venom, though…_

Pigma Dengar: HAH! I'm a traitor!

James McCloud: Not groovy.

_After getting captured and whatnot, Peppy escapes with his life. No such luck for Jimmy, though. Peppy flies back home and tells James's son his fate._

_Sometime after "back in the day", Andross goes to attack Corneria._

Andross: I told you I'll get you kids today with your cities with the buildings and the screens and the roads and flying vehicles and wah wah wah…

_General Pepper (an old dog if ever there was one) calls the new Star Fox team._

Peppy: I'm the wise tactical advisor. DO A BARREL ROLL! (Applause is heard in the background)

Falco Lombardi: I'm the badass birdman with an attitude. I'm so awesome, I criticize the player sometimes.

Slippy Toad: I'm the mechanic, which means I suck at piloting.

Fox McCloud: I'm the player character, and I'm also James McCloud's son.

_With this cast in play, this new Star Fox team traverses planets. Depending on which path you take, you can go into the Sun, an asteroid field, a water planet, a toxic waste planet, or one of three combat zones. And then you get to Venom and fight rival mercenary team Star Wolf. And win._

_So then Fox goes it alone from there, and goes through the big tunnel where at the end Andross is waiting for him._

Andross: I've been waiting for you Star Fox with the Stars and the Foxes and the airplanes and wah wah wah…

_He attempts to HAND you death, but you fire a bomb in his mouth. At this point, depending on which path you took, one of two things happens:_

_A robotic Andross tries to eat you. _

_Or_

_Andross blows up and only his brain and eyes are left._

Andross: ONLY I HAVE THE BRAINS TO RULE LYLAT WITH THE BRAINS AND THE CEREBRUMS AND THE CORNERIAS AND THE CRANIUM AND THE ZIP ZAP ZOOBITY BOP!

_Either way you kill it, but if you took the upper path…_

Andross: I'm taking you down to the hell with me with the fiery damnation and wah wah wa (boom)

_Fox nearly dies right there. And then…_

???: Don't ever give up, my groovy son.

Fox McCloud: DAD?!!?!?!?

_Turns out, James McCloud might still be alive after all, and he leads you out of the base from whence you came. After that, Star Fox (sans James, of course) returns to Corneria to celebrate, and General Pepper makes Fox an offer._

General Pepper: WE WANT YOU in the Cornerian Army.

Fox McCloud: Nah. We'd rather do things our own way.

_In true mercenary fashion you leave Corneria in the sunset. And also in true mercenary fashion you give a bill to General Pepper… worth over 70,000 Cornerian dollars._

General Pepper: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????

**ULTRA 64**


	13. Ultra 52: Mega Man X5

**Ultra 64 is fighting for everlasting awesome in the 14****th**** entry: **_**Mega Man X5**_

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: There are two differing paths to the game. One in which you kill the large flaming space thingy called Eurasia, and one in which you don't. We're taking the former path for this one.**_

_It's after the events of X4, and the dumbass humans on Earth build this giant space colony in the _same _spot as FINAL WEAPON, Repliforce's earth-destroying space station and laser. _

Humans: IT'S A GOOD IDEA, DAMMIT!

_Unfortunately, it is not a good idea, 'cause this one Zero-ripoff with shades named Dynamo shows up to ruin everyone's day._

Dynamo: I'm so cool. I think I'll take down this space colony on behalf of my employer, who you should know by now because of four other games depicting him as the villain. Awesome.

_Meanwhile, at the NEW Maverick Hunter HQ, the supporting cast is introduced._

Signas: I'm the commander. My role gets diminished over each game.

Alia: I'm the annoying operator. Call collect, because I'm going to call you throughout the ENTIRE game.

Douglas: I'm the cute mechanic guy. This means I should be the medic, right?

Lifesaver: WRONG! _I'm_ the medic. There's two of me, so take your vitamins OR ELSE!

_So then, the titular good guy X, who is slowly becoming less of a wuss, and the blonde badass Zero, go through the intro stage, fight off cars, and go up a statue, at which point they see:_

X & Zero: FIGHTING POLYGON SIGMA HEAD!

Fighting Polygon Sigma Head: BWARGH! I've decided to attack you head on! Behold my DENTAL DOOM RAY!

_As that line from LazerTH's MATHEMS was uttered, a giant-ass laser was applied directly to X and Zero's general direction. Once the laser dissipated, the Sigma head was taken down. The hunters return, thinking they have won, WHEN SUDDENLY!_

Sigma: I've got AIDS!

_STD Sigma suddenly explodes and sprays tiny strands of virus all over the world. The Maverick Hunters scramble to assemble parts for a big-ass cannon firing a bigger-ass laser called Enigma. Problem is; they're owned by four theme robots named after members of Guns N' Roses. Not to mention, they've gotta do it within 16 hours. X kills Grizzly Slash and his trucks of doom, while Zero takes down Squid Adler. _

_And then, from out of the blue:_

Dynamo: I'M HERE, BITCHES!!!

_Dynamo starts attacking Hunter Base with a cool double-edge beam saber and an even cooler theme song. Despite this, he still gets his ass handed straight back to him. Then they resume fighting against Mavericks that are actually worth their time._

_Two mavericks later, they attack enemy Space Colony for MASSIVE LACK OF DAMAGE!_

Kaz Hirai: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDGE RACER!

_This debacle cost them five hundred ninety nine US seconds of their time. Either that, or you pierce the colony with the bigger-ass laser. But assuming it was a miss, the Hunters must come up with a better idea._

Signas: Let's build a space shuttle, with which we shall use to fly into Eurasia!

Mega Man X: That's a quite dangerous plan that may result in the death of one of our best.

_X and Zero look at each other. _

Mega Man X: NOT IT!

Zero: No- OH GODDAMN IT!

_Shut up, Zero. You've already died once before. Four more GNR Mavericks and another attack by Dynamo later, they launch the shuttle doing precisely…… dick._

Mega Man X: Oh god what have I d-oh look, there's a new signal!

_X rushes to the new signal, which just so happens to be coated in a heaping helping of TRON, Quick Man, and ancient bosses._

Bio-Devil: BLUB

Rangda Bangda: FEAR MY AZTEC-Y FACE!

_They're both killed with ease, but then a new threat shows up named… MAVERICK ZERO._

M. Zero: Prepare to die, X.

Mega Man X: The Zero I know won't submit to that kind of bad!

M. Zero: Don't be such a wuss and FIGHT ME!

_So X and Zero fight, leaving bits and pieces of the scenery everywhere. This cataclysmic battle of "predicted since the end of X3" proportions… is shorter than the conversation that preceded it, leaving the game's story in pieces._

Sigma: SURPRISE, BITCH!

_Sigma turns out to not be dead, but you probably could tell, couldn't you? Anyway, Sigma leads them to the obligatory Boss Rematch place and then a long corridor, at the end of which they face off against baldy in an epic struggle to the death, only it's not epic because X and Zero win. Then, according to Revokov, "he comes back as a friggin' WAREHOUSE."_

X & Zero: Damn.

_They fight. X & Zero defeat the ginormungous robot, but then…_

Sigma Skull: Hyper Turbo Anniversary Laser Special!

_And shoots a big ol' hole right in the two's respective chests, at which point Zero shoots back and kills the bloody damn bastard once and for all._

Zero: (cough cough) ow. I'm dying again. You better live, X. (dies)

X: Now who's the wuss? (KO'd)

_So X and Zero pretty much die, but then a hologram shows up._

Dr. Light: You're a freakin' moron, X. You go on an adventure, leaving my capsules behind, even the one for the ULTIMATE armor, and look where it got you. I swear, you're going to die and then be reborn evil one of these days.

_Don't spoil it, Light! Anyway, X returns with the Z-Saber, and attempts to build Elsyium, the utopian city dreamed of by Dr. Doppler and the Repliforce. Zero dies. Then again, we can't count on him being downed for long, because Mega Man Zero totally screws with the canon. _

_**ENDING MAN**_


	14. Ultra 51: TimeSplitters 2

**It was Big Tony, in the Siberan Dam, with the PLASMA AUTORIFLE!!! Ultra 64 takes on the "heir apparent to GoldenEye" known as TimeSplitters 2.**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: In each level, the main character takes the form of different characters from each time period. We're not going through that.**_

_In AD 2401, war is happening. The evil alien race known as the TimeSplitters are going to destroy humanity by traveling through time to change the course of history._

TimeSplitter A: For instance, if the Anti-Nuclear Proliferation Act isn't made in the US, then the world will most likely blow up.

TimeSplitter B: We could just blow up the Earth ourselves, you know. Makes us seem less lazy.

_But what they didn't count on are two cut-and-paste Space Marines: Sergeant Cortez and Corporal Hart, defenders of the history!_

Cortez: Aw yeah!

Hart: You know, Defenders of the History sounds a lot like a 90s cartoon.

_That was Defenders of the Realm, Corporal. Anyway, the local Space Marine organization sent these two intrepid heroes to stop the TimeSplitters from changing history as we know it, and possibly destroying humanity while they're at it. _

_After a brief intro sequence involving a space station and awesome gunfights, you find that you arrive too late to stop the TimeSplitters from going into their homemade Time Portal. You, as Cortez, travel through different time periods in humankind's history, from the Wild West to the Machine Wars, and everywhere in between, each with its own Time Crystal and missions to accomplish. _

_It takes Cortez a while, but he finally gets all the Time Crystals and then returns to the space station to meet up with Hart. At this point, the TimeSplitters outside the time portal room break in. Cortez sets the place to blow up in a bunch of fireworks. But Hart gets shot by the TimeSplitters._

Hart: And so falls Corporal Hart. (dies)

_Cortez then gets the hell outta dodge before the station blows. You win the game, but not the war. No, that'll be described in a later game._

_BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!!!_

_Play Multiplayer against your friends! Play a bunch of scenarios in Arcade League! Make your own maps! Have you fun FPS for all times!_

_**ENDSPLITTERS**_


	15. Ultra 50: Killer Instinct

**Can I get a ULLLLLLLLTRRRRAAAAAAAAAA COMMMMMMMMMBOOOOOOOOOOOOO? Ultra 64 takes on the game for which this fic was named for: Killer Instinct.**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: The original arcade version of Killer Instinct claimed that this game would only be available for Ultra 64. The Ultra 64 was the original name for the Nintendo 64. The Nintendo 64 eventually got KI Gold. The SNES got the black-carted original Killer Instinct. The name Ultra 64 wouldn't be used as the name of anything else until this fic came around. Bummer. **_

_It is the far, far future. A giant megacorporation called Ultratech rules the world. They organize a fighting tournament (what else?) for the hell of it._

Ryu from Street Fighter: That's it?

_Well, Ultratech has some fighters of their own to try out, one of which is the badass robot Fulgore._

Fulgore: BZZT. I WILL DESTROY THE PUNY HUMAN FLESHMEATS

_Aside from Fulgore, nine other fighters enter Ultratech's fighting tournament, which they call Killer Instinct. (Mainly because Mortal Kombat and The King of Fighters were already taken)_

Cinder: I'm a criminal who somehow got changed into a human torch wannabe!

TJ Combo: I'm the boxer. There's always one of me.

Riptor: DINOSAUR!

Chief Thunder: My brother's missing. On my honor as a Mohawk Chief, I WILL find him.

Glacius: I'm the alien made of ice. Cool. ((pun totally intended.))

Spinal: I'm a skeleton guy. Seriously, my body is comprised entirely of bone.

Sabrewulf: I'm the werewolf guy. I'm searching for a cure, but in the meantime: AROOOOOOOOOO!

B. Orchid: I'm the Ultratech secretary, but really I'm a spy for an unknown agency. Probably the Carrington Institute.

Jago: I'm a Tibetan monk following the Tiger Spirit. It's my destiny to eliminate the evil in me, and take out Ultratech while I'm at it.

_During the course of the game, Jago eliminates Fulgore, Thunder kills Spinal, Glacius totals Cinder, and TJ Combo takes out Riptor, but then the last boss Eyedol shows up._

Eyedol: NONE SHALL PASS.

_Orchid, the only one –besides Sabrewulf- who hasn't fought, passes anyway, sending Eyedol back to that interdimensional portal from whence it came._

…

_But no one really cares about the story. All you're in it for is ULTRA COMBOS._

**E-E-E-E-ENDING BREAKERRRRR!**


	16. Ultra 49: The King of Fighters '96

**Violent Fighting to Come Again! As a Year flew by from the excitement, we now declare the opening of Ultra 64's version of The King of Fighters '96.**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This was originally planned to be part of a different yet similar fic, but it was canceled. You're welcome.**_

_One year after Rugal died for good, another KoF Tournament was announced, and this time, it would be televised!_

CBS: cold hard cash, here we come!

_Along with the new televised event, new fighters appear._

Leona: Remember Heidern? I'm his daughter.

Kasumi Todoh: The Kyokugen fighters will feel the wrath of the Todoh Way!

Mature: I'm Rugal's secretary. Remember me?

Vice: Hey wait, so am I!

_And then there's the Boss team, consisting of Geese Howard, Wolfgang Krauser, and Mr. Big. But it doesn't matter, since Kyo's team wins once again. And the sponsor, as it turns out… ISN'T RUGAL!_

Chizuru Kagura: Hello. I'm the sponsor.

Japan Team: HOLY S*** IT'S A CHICK!

_Chizuru tells Japan Team the reason why she organized this year's KoF Tournament._

Chizuru Kagura: I organized this tournament to make contact with Kyo Kusanagi and Iori Yagami.

Kyo: No way.

Chizuru Kagura: Yeah way.

_They fight for no inexplicable reason, and end up in a draw. _

Chizuru: Orochi's coming back.

_Suddenly, this dude named Leopold Goenitz shows up._

Goenitz: I am here to stop you, Chizuru Kagura.

Kyo: I'm not going to let that happen, buddy boy.

Goenitz: Really? Didn't I beat you one time between last year and this year?

Kyo: …

_They fight. Again. During the bout, Kyo gets help from his eternal rival, Iori Yagami._

Iori: I'm only here for fun.

_This unlikely team-up beats Goenitz's ass._

Goenitz: In one year, Orochi will return to kill you all.

_Then, Leopold Goenitz kills himself through the power of a gale tornado. How he's able to do that is anyone's guess. _

_So all things appear peaceful, BUT SUDDENLY!_

Iori: I VANT TO SPILL YOUR BLOOOD!!!

_Iori goes crazy, and kills his two teammates Mature and Vice. AND THEY WERE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN._

**KING OF ENDINGS '96**


	17. Ultra 48: The King of Fighters '97

**Ultra 64 moves toward the fires of destiny with The King of Fighters '97!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This game is the best of the Orochi Saga ('95-'97) It also features a TV-like presentation that fighting games, to this day, have yet to tread. **_

_One year after the events of '96, a KOF tournament was announced again. _

The NHK: yoink!

CBS: HEY! That's our exclusive!

_As is the norm for KOF tournaments, matches are between teams of three. New teams include the new Boss team, handpicked by Geese Howard himself._

Billy Kane: I say, old chap, it's good to be here again!

Ryuji Yamazaki: Don't swing that thing at me, Kane.

"Blue" Mary Ryan: h-hey!

_The New Faces Team…_

Yashiro: just keep listing the teams, narrator.

_Right. And now there's a new guy in town named Shingo Yabuki._

Shingo Yabuki: I wish I could have flames like Kyo.

_Meanwhile, Iori Yagami enters as a single entry. But it doesn't really matter, because Kyo Kusanagi and the Japan Team win the tournament once again, but…_

Leona Heidern: grrrr…. RAAAAAAAAAAWR!

_Leona Heidern goes all crazy and enters Riot of the Blood. Kyo's team takes down the Ikari Warrior-turned-evil-by-way-of-Riot-of-the-Blood. But suddenly!_

New Faces Team: It was us all along! We made Leona Heidern go Riot of the Blood! Let us introduce ourselves!

_Couldn't you have done that earlier?_

Chris: I'm some guy with a bowl-cut and purple fire!

Shermie: I'm a girl whose bangs cover her eyes. I make thunder.

Yashiro Nanakase: I'm the rockstar dude who has a grudge against Iori Yagami. I'm stronger than steel!

_So basically, the New Faces Team is the Orochi Team. Japan Team fights against them… and wins. But wait! What's this?_

Yashiro & Shermie: We're going to kill ourselves to make Orochi come back! (both die)

_Due to Yashiro and Shermie's respective sacrifices, the guy with the bowl-cut basically turns into Orochi.  
_

Orochi: And I'm the author's third favorite King of Fighters character.

_That's true. Benimaru and Daimon are worn out by that fight with their Orochi counterparts, so it's up to Iori Yagami and Chizuru Kagura to save the day with Kyo. So together they beat Orochi's ass._

Orochi: aha! See, I knew you guys would come all this way to kick my ass, so I came up with a plan. Iori, use Bloodriot!

_But Iori, like Charmeleon, doesn't respond. Instead, he turns right around and clutches Orochi's neck. Meanwhile, Kyo is having conflicted thoughts, when suddenly_

Yasakani Spirit: Yeah, you should totally help our heir. It's not like anyone's after him, you know.

Kyo Kusanagi: but, he's my archrival!

Yasakani Spirit: Just go help that idiot, Kyo.

Kyo Kusanagi: An enemy who just called Iori Yagami an idiot is my friend.

_So basically, Kyo attacks Orochi with a mighty punch!_

Announcer: POW! RIGHT IN THE (BALLS PUNCHED!)

_No Family Guy references while I'm writing this series, Announcer. Anyway, Orochi goes back to the void from whence he came, but Kyo and Iori are nowhere to be found._

Chizuru Kagura: Are they alright?

Benimaru Nikaido: eh, Kyo'll be okay. It's not like anyone's after _him_, you know.

_Little did Benimaru Nikaido know that someone _is _after Kyo Kusanagi... but if you wanna know what happens to him so badly, you can just play King of Fighters '99. Which I wouldn't recommend, since that game sucked._

**KING OF ENDINGS '97**


	18. Ultra 47: Einhander

**Ultra 64's new spaceship was feared, and because of its shape, called…. Einhander!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Square's only shooter, and a damn fine one at that, Einhander needs a sequel now. Oh, and Einhander is german for One Handed, in reference to swords.**_

_It is an unspecified time in the future. The Forces of Earth and The Forces of The Moon are trying to kill each other. This isn't the first time, either. The first time, mankind wiped out around 75% of the population and free will on the Earth. That was the First Moon War._

The Moon: So wait… seven hundred years passed, and I still am unable to destroy the world?

_Never fear! The Selene Moon Colony is sending out recon/kamikaze fighters collectively going by the name of "Einhander". Their mission: To gather data and weapons for a new spacecraft and destroy as much of the Earth while they're at it, before they die._

Einhander Pilot: Well, that sucks.

_Too bad, soldier. You fight against stuff on the Earth, all speaking to you in German._

Boss 1: ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!

Boss 2: SIEG HEIL!

Boss 3: KRISTALLNACHT BLITZKRIEG!

_Yeah, I don't know what any of that means either. At any rate, completing the final objective gets you this message:_

Hyperion Space Satellite: Good job. You killed stuff. Now it's time for your promotion. We're gonna kill you using an unmanned spacecraft, and upon your death, give you our highest honor.

_As you're playing as the guy who's gonna get himself killed, you promptly say _

Einhander Pilot: To hell with that!

_And then you destroy the unmanned spacecraft. The Einhander pilot wonders why his superior officers want him dead and his ship destroyed._

Einhander Pilot: What the hell is he thinkin'?

_One month later, you fly into space, with an armed Einhander ship. _

Hyperion Space Satellite: Hey! Do you know what you're doin? You're betraying us in an act of treason! Drop your weapon and surrender!

_To hell with that. You fly into a bunch of Selene ships, and then come face to face with the Hyperion satellite itself._

Hyperion Space Satellite: If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. ACHTUNG!

_And then you kill the bastard. Serves him right for trying to kill you, but your craft is still damaged. So what do you do?_

Einhander Pilot: Let's kick some ASS!

_You fly into even more Selene fighters………but the game ends before you can see the results._

…_But after the end credits have finished rolling…_

Einhander Pilot 2: Weapon systems online. Manipulator online. Armor… stable. Hitbox… small. Multiplier scoring system… reset. Thrusters online. Ready… LAUNCH!

**ENDHANDER**


	19. Ultra 46: Zork

**Ultra 64 gets gruesome in Infocom's classic text-based adventure game Zork!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This parody is brought to you by Medieval-Text-Based-Adventure-o-Vision! This means we put 'e' at the end of words where there shouldn't be anye.**_

_-thou findst thyself in yon fielde. Ye see a smalle white house._

Player: enter smalle white house

_-thou enterst yon white house. Thou seest a bunche of utterlye uselesse objects of quite muche value, and thy trophye case. Bute then you falle downe yon trap doore into yon subterraneane labyrinthe of doome. _

Player: go on an epic quest

_-thou goest on an epic queste to finde the Nineteen Treasures of Zork! Howevre, thou doth not knowst what thee Nineteen Treasures of Zork are._

Player: explore the subterranean labyrinth

-_what arest thou doth talkinge about?_

Player: explore the subterraneane labyrinthe of doome

_-Thou explorest thy subterraneane labyrinthe of doome to entere the Great Underground Empire. Mayhapchance be this where thy Nineteen Treasures of Zork are. Whatevre thouse are._

_-ye explore manye yon dungeons and fixe yon broken pipes at Flood Control Dam #3. Thou hast suddenlye acquired all Nineteen Treasures of Zork!_

Player: go back to the trophye case

_-Thou goest backe abovegrounde backe to thy trophy case. Thy putest all Nineteen Treasures of Zork into thy trophye case. Thou hast scored 350 points inne just 228 moves!_

Player: do a victory jig

_-Thou dancest a 'victory jig'. Thy celebration ist cut shorte, however, when thou art eaten by a grue._

_-Thou mayhapchance hast noticed yon mape ovre yonder, bute, ite ist too late. Thou Art Deade._

**GAME OVRE**

**Score: 350**

**Life score: -99**


	20. Ultra 45: Jackal

**This Ultra 64 parody will make your blood boil. It's Jackal!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Jackal is from Konami, for the NES, and it stars a Jeep. As such, I'm going to take a few liberties with the storyline. And the concept.**_

_IN VIETNAM WAR TIME, some evil Vietnamese people are capturing weapons scientists and innocent people! And since the top two agents of the US, Mad Dog and Scorpion, are already occupied, it's up to the Jackal Squad to rescue those POWs and maybe also kill stuff dead._

_There is the Green Team, staffed by Colonel Decker and Lieutenant Bob_

Col. Decker: I am black.

Lt. Bob: Can we kill it?

_And there is the Brown Team, also known as Player Two, comprised of Sergeant Quint and Corporal Grey_

Sgt. Quint: Don't call me Rock.

Cpl. Grey: IT'S SPELLED WITH AN "A", DAMMIT!

_The Jackal Squad goes about and kills lots of Vietnamese soldiers, and occasionally rescues some POWs, including some flashing ones._

Flashing POW: HELP! I'M HAVING A SEIZURE!

_Turns out those Flashing POWs upgrade your grenade launcher to a rocket launcher. You go through Six stages, occasionally fighting a boss, when suddenly, in the final stage, you are confronted with a mansion!_

Man-sion: Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly…

_The Jackal Squad not only blows up the Mansion, but also blows up the spider and the fly. And at the end of the mission, they watch a sunset whilst smoking some cigars._

**THIS ENDING WILL MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL**


	21. Ultra 44: Viewtiful Joe

**Ultra 64 follows Last Action Hero's example and goes in the movie with Viewtiful Joe!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Probably one of the best beat-'em-ups of the last console generation, Viewtiful Joe comes to us from Capcom, also known as people who actually listen to their fans. Also, keep an eye out for the movie references.**_

_Meet Joe Black._

Joe: Dude, you realize how bad that movie was?

_In 2003, he took his girlfriend Silvia out to a movie. In particular, a superhero movie called Captain Blue._

Silvia: Frankly, Joe, I don't give a damn.

_It turns out to be Captain Blue's last appearance in a movie, for he is defeated. BUT THEN! A huge black mecha hand reaches through the silver screen, like it was in 3D or something, grabs Silvia, and goes back into the screen. The red-and-white mecha Six Majin gets knocked out into the real world._

Joe: New special effects?

_It turns out to be real, because Six Majin grabs Joe, and rushes to the screen, beginning the first level. Joe is dropped from a large height, and DOESN'T DIE, for some strange reason._

Joe: Am I inside the movie?

_The ghost of Captain Blue shows up, and confirms Joe's guess that he is, in fact, inside the movie. He also gives Joe a neat watch. This watch is the V-Watch, a neat little device that activates his "hero instinct", whatever that is._

_Joe beats up some thugs with his limited martial arts, and then fights the Captain, beats him, and then his V-Watch glows._

Captain Blue: Your hero instinct has awakened!

_At which point Blue tells him how to activate his Hero mode. You know what Joe says?_

Joe: HENSHIN A GO-GO, BABY!

_With that, an epic transformation takes place, in which Joe turns into a fiery red superhero and gains the ability to slow down time like every video game character in existence._

The Prince of Persia: No, no, no, that's not quite right. Let's try that again.

_Okay, fine: every OTHER video game character in existence. Happy now?_

The Prince of Persia: yes, thank you.

_You're welcome. Anyway, Joe gets the ability to slow down time, and with it takes a helicopter down._

Joe: Get out of the Choppa!

_Then he goes underground wherein he finds Captain Blue's ghost again, this time ready to fight._

_So Joe beats him again, this time getting the Mach Speed power, in which he runs really fast like a certain blue spiny rat of whom already appeared in Ultra 64, and with it fights a bat looking like David Bowie named Charles the Third._

Charles the Third: I do NOT look like David Bowie!

Joe: Yes you do.

Charles the Third: A-a-at any rate, this movie is over anyway! So what's this third rate superhero doing in MY lair?

Joe: Have you ever heard of a spiritual successor?

_Joe dazzles Charles the Third with his new found powers and then the latter explodes, after which Joe ponders about a cool superhero name._

Joe: um… some like it Hot?

_Nice try. Anyway, Joe gets shot out of the sewer system, and finds himself facing off against Captain Blue yet again, this time holding the secret to a brand new power. Joe defeats him, and gets the brand new power of which the function is Zoom In!_

Joe: What, so we're in Art of Fighting now?

Mr. Big: Nah, fool. This powa lets ya zoom dat camera in tah deal moar damage. Betcha didn't see dat comin'. Ya can ahlso cahmbine two of dose powas to do moar stuff.

_Mr. Big is correct. With a combination of Zoom and Slow, you launch a bus into the air, and head into the next bad guy's lair. After you go through a whole skyscraper of thugs first, of course._

_So who is this next bad guy? Why, it's… a rhino with a motorcycle collection!_

Hulk Davidson: I guess you found out that I'm the big cheese here, right?

Joe: not quite, ol' Movieland fogey.

Hulk Davidson: How'd you know this world is called Movieland?

Joe: Um… wild guess?

_Joe's wild guess got him into a fight with Hulk Davidson. And explosive victory. Then Joe's new plane shows up. The plane is called Six Machine. Sound familiar?_

Joe: YAHOOOOOOO!

_Joe rides through the air in an old-school shooting segment, including a boss battle, and then gets shot down into an underwater shaft, wherein he fights a shark with a memory problem named Gran Bruce._

Gran Bruce: I'm going to chew you up and spit you out like… um… what's the word for that chewy thing, you stick it under tables, um…

Joe: Gum?

Gran Bruce: Yeah, that's it!

_Despite Bruce's insistence that he's going to eat our hero, he explodes, which signifies Joe's triumph. He then hops into a submarine and faces off in a power generator… against himself._

Joe: (waves hand)

Mirror Joe: (waves hand in opposite direction)

_Joe beats his mirror match and escapes the submarine before it explodes. Then he ends up in a lava-infested city at the end of which a castle lies, where in he fights a guy named Alastor._

Alastor: I'm the blade master! You can't defeat me!

Joe: Can you explain the plot for the viewers at home?

Alastor: Sure, I might as well do that. You see, in order to escape Movieland, the Jadow must have the DNA of the creator. But don't think you can stop us!

_Joe fights Alastor in a battle, and beats him._

Alastor: Viewtiful!

Joe: What's that mean?

Alastor: Oh, love and honor, something like that. So what's your name?

Joe: hm… Viewtiful Joe!

_After Joe showed off his improvisational skills, he then… faces off against the first four bosses AGAIN!_

Viewtiful Joe: What is this, Mega Man X?

_No, we did that one already. Anyway, after defeating his doppelganger again, he faces off against Fire Leo, the leader of the Magnificent Five, as well as a lashing from Silvia, if memory serves me correctly._

Silvia: Showoff!

VJ: Seriously, what?

Fire Leo: WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?

_Joe defeats Fire Leo, but then Silvia gets kidnapped again. Joe rushes to Outer Space, in which no one can hear you scream, and faces off against – I bet you never saw this coming – Captain Blue!_

Captain Blue: Silvia, I am your father.

Silvia: That's not true! That's impossible!

VJ: So, it was you!

Captain Blue: Yes, it's always the person you least expect to do crimes. Like the butler. Or the best friend. But enough talk. HAVE AT YOU!

_They fight AGAIN. But this time, in giant robots! Joe's got Six Majin, and Blue's got… the mustachioed mech from the beginning of the game. Somehow, Joe pulls a victory out of his ass._

Captain Blue: Seriously, though, Silvia, I really am your father.

VJ: ooooookay…

_Captain Blue then tells a story of how he was originally a famous movie director, but then was zapped into one of his own movies. Probably due to a freak thunderstorm. Suddenly, Aliens attack!_

Captain Blue: We must strike down those aliens!

Silvia: Can I come with you?

Captain Blue: Sure, and here's a V-Watch I want to give ya.

_Captain Blue gives Silvia a V-Watch, and then Joe, Silvia, and Blue attack the aliens…but you won't find out the results in this game, no sirree. Instead, you get a music video! HOLY SHIT, MAN!_

**VIEWTIFUL ENDING**


	22. Ultra 43: Comix Zone

**Ultra 64 is doing Comix Zone, true believers!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This game is pretty hard, and I wouldn't be surprised if you don't beat it. I certainly haven't. Also, there are three endings to the game: A good ending, a bad ending, and a worse ending, which of course is the Game Over screen. For continuity purposes, the last one is not going to be included.**_

_Sketch Turner, starving comic book artist, was working on his new comic._

Sketch: This one may or may not actually make millions.

_Oh, I forgot to mention. He was working on his new comic during a FREAK THUNDERSTORM! So suddenly, his drawing pops out of the paper he was working on._

Sketch: Holy shit!

Mortus: Like that? Well, I'm taking you on a trip to your own comic! AHAHAHAHAHA! (bzzap!)

_So he's zapped in his own comic, with only his wits and not-as-limited-as-usual martial arts skills. Then he meets his support character._

Alissa: Welcome to New New York. I'm your support character, Alissa Cyan. At least I'm not as annoying as Alia.

_Ignoring that last comment, Sketch then does battle with a bunch of monsters drawn in by his nemesis… and gets his ass handed to him in the second page._

Sketch: Is this the end of the story?

Mortus: Aw come on, Sketch, you can't be as much as a wuss as Mega Man X.

_Mortus, being fair and sporting as well as badass and evil, decides to redraw Sketch in for another go. Sketch then regroups, beats Big Mama Dragon, and then moves on to the alps, wherein he finds a fighting tournament, which Sketch wins, of course, facing off against Kung-Fung in the final round. Then Sketch dies again on the third page via burning._

Sketch: Not again!

Mortus: One more chance, Sketch.

_Sketch uses this last chance to find a nuke in the last panel, which is partly unfinished. Alissa is working on defusing the thing, but then Mortus shows up to ruin the day, trapping Alissa inside the nuke, which then starts filling up with… what is it you're filling up the nuke with, Mortus?_

Mortus: Liquefied buffalo hooves, cow tendons, pig noses and shark testicles!

_Yeah, that. At this point, one of two things happens:_

_Alissa drowns before Mortus is destroyed_

Alissa: blub blou bletch. (dies)

Sketch: DAMN IT!

_Sketch ends up back in the real world, but his comic book is destroyed, leaving Sketch a decision to make._

Sketch: Do I redraw Mortus? Sure, let's do that.

_Mortus is destroyed before Alissa drowns_

Mortus: NOOOOOOOO MY EVIL etc. (dies)

_Sketch and Alissa end up in the real world, wherein the comic book Sketch was working on becomes the best selling of all time. Alissa meanwhile becomes head of US Security._

_As for Roadkill, Sketch's pet rat who helped him on his adventure, he gets 100 pounds of cheese. Mozzarella cheese, to be precise._

**ENDZONE**


	23. Ultra 42: Street Fighter II

**Ultra 64 goes global with Street Fighter II!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: We're going for the original Street Fighter II storyline, with the added element of Gouki thrown in for good measure. Which reminds me, all characters will be referred to by their original Japanese names. This means Bison is Vega, Vega is Balrog, Balrog is M. Bison, and Akuma is Gouki.**_

_In 1991, around the same time Geese Howard started the first ever KOF Tournament, some other crime syndicate guy named Vega holds the second Street Fighter tournament._

Everyone: Wait, there was a FIRST ONE?

_Yeah, back in 1987. Anyway, eight fighters enter, each with their own backstory. Par for the course._

Ryu: I'm the wandering martial artist, and the protagonist of the last one.

Ken Masters: I'm player two, and I'm RICH!

Chun-Li: I'm an INTERPOL agent. Stop looking at my legs, pervert!

Guile: Are you man enough to beat me? IN AMERICA?

Zangief: In Soviet Russia, I piledrive YOU, da?

Blanka: AROOO AROOO! Seriously, though. I was a semi-important character, even though Alpha was released three or four years after II.

Dhalsim: YOGA!

E. Honda: My first name is Edmund, but I'm still a sumo wrestler. Does this mean I'm this game's equivalent of Galford?

_In the end, Ryu wins and goes up against the bosses of the tournament._

Balrog: I'm the vain prettyboy spanish matador. And that's why I wear a mask.

M. Bison: DON'T STOP ME

Sagat: I'm so going to kill you for that kick-ass uppercut you gave me in the last game.

_Ryu beats them all down, including Sagat, and faces off against Vega._

Vega: I will crush you with my Psycho Power!

_Or at least he would, had this not happen:_

???: Shun Goku Satsu.

_Vega promptly gets his ass rightly handed to him on a platinum platter with caviar on it. The mystery assailant is named Gouki, and he killed Vega._

Gouki: So we meet again, Ryu.

Ryu: I thought this was the first time we meet.

Gouki: You haven't paid attention, have you?

_They fight. Ryu wins. At the awards ceremony, a lesser lackey of Vega's former crime syndicate is handing out medals, but the winner is missing._

Lesser Lackey: hey! Where's Ryu?

_Turns out Ryu left the ceremony to go find more worthy challengers._

Ryu: the fight is all.

**YOU MUST DEFEAT MY ENDING TO STAND A CHANCE**


	24. Ultra 41: The Typing of the Dead

**Ultra 64 forsakes all credibility and attacks zombies with deadly shuriken-like nouns and verbs in The Typing of the Dead.**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: The Typing of the Dead is a satirical retread of House of the Dead 2. Actually, not so much satirical retread as repackaging. The story's exactly the same. Why did I choose the Typing of the Dead instead of House of the Dead 2? You'll see.**_

_In 2000, two years after the original House of the Dead, the secret international agency called AMS is investigating strange occurrences in the city of Venice, Italy._

Mario: Mamma Mia! My home-a town! It's-a being over-a-run by-

_Who's narrating this series, Mario?_

Mario: you are-a…?

_And don't you forget it. Your game's coming up. Anyway, AMS agent G has gone missing, and it's up to James Taylor and Gary Stewart (no relation), who are dispatched to go find G and get the residents out of that evil place._

James Taylor: What with?

Gary Stewart: YAH, MUTHAFUZZAS, WHERE DOSE GUNS AT?

_Guns? Where I come from, we don't need Guns._

James Taylor: Then, what will we use?

_You were briefed on your special weapons, right?_

Gary Stewart: NAH, FOO'!

…_you have magical QWERTY keyboards to do battle against – wait for it – evil zombies._

James Taylor: Keyboards? What is this, Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing?

_Better than that. Anyway, along with faceless extras Harry Harris and Amy Crystal, James and Gary traverse the town of Venice when they come across… agent G, who happens to be alive, but injured. Then they find…_

Caleb Goldman: I am GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDMMMMMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

James Taylor: Was that really necessary?

Caleb Goldman: SILENCE FOOL!

Gary Stewart: THIS MUTHAFUZZA AIN'T NO MUTHAFUZZIN' SCAREDY-CAT! BRING DOSE MUTHAFUZZIN' ZOMBIES ON! I'LL TAKE DEM MUTHAFUZZAS OUT ONE BAH ONE! YAH!

James Taylor: I agree with whatever my silver-tongued partner just said.

Caleb Goldman: Very well. But you will change your mind soon, I assure you. Mwehehehehe! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Meanwhile, in a previous condensation parody:_

Sigma from _Mega Man X4_: (sneezes) GOLDMAN STOLE MY LINE FOR THE LAST TIME! HE MUST DIE!

_Back in Italy-land, player one and player two fight huge bosses with the phrases "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog", and "You are members of a religious order. Obtains!", and "All your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive, make your time." And best of all "X-Men! Welcome to Die! I am Magneto, Master of Magnet!" all while fending off smaller zombies with smaller words like "Snapdragon" and "Ginormous" and most importantly "Turducken"_

_At the end of the day, James Taylor and Gary "MUTHAFUZZIN" Stewart face off against Goldman, who has created a giant zombie robot called The Emperor._

James Taylor: Giant zombie robot, eh?

Gary Stewart: GIANT MUTHAFUZZIN' ZOMBIE ROBOTS AIN'T GOT NO MUTHAFUZZIN' CHANCE AGAINST DIS MUTHAFUZZIN' KEYBOARD GUN!

James Taylor: Yeah, and there's a church organ in the background, too.

Caleb Goldman: YOU **FOOLS**! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT PLAYING CHURCH ORGANS MEANS THAT ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO DIE?

James Taylor: No.

Gary Stewart: NAH, FOO'! DEM MUTHAFUZZIN' CHURCH ORGANS DON'T DO DAT! BAD RAP MUSIC DOES DAT, MUTHAFUZZA!

_Snide caps-locked comments aside, James Taylor and Gary Stewart discover the Emperor's weak point: .45 caliber Sans Serif. It explodes._

Caleb Goldman: HAHAHA! That was only the prototype! Now, you will face true horror! Prepare to become SPACE D-AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

_Suddenly, and without warning, he falls off the roof of his building. James Taylor and Gary Stewart keep on their guard for any helicopters that show up but... nothing. He just… fell off. Witnesses on the ground reported that a bald laser-scythe-wielding android impaled the guy before he could land on the ground and presumably break bones, but nothing has been confirmed as of yet. More on this as it develops._

**HOUSE OF THE END**


	25. Ultra 40: Super Mario 64

**It's-a me! Ultra 64! with a-the twenty-fourth entry, Super Mario 64**

* * *

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Super Mario 64 is a simple game to condense. Ergo, this condensation parody should be shorter than the others. Maybe as short as Simon's Quest.**_

_It is morning in the Mushroom Kingdom. The local kidnap-fodder Princess Peach Toadstool has wrote a letter to the local plumber guy who saves her a bit too much, Mario._

Peach: I baked a cake for you. Please come by before Toad eats it all.

Mario: mamma mia! A cake!

_So Mario travels by way of MAGIC PIPELINE to Princess Peach's castle. What he doesn't know is that local giant spiked turtle Bowser showed up before him, and trapped Toad in the walls. Well, Toad and his over ninety thousand identical siblings._

_So Mario goes into the Castle, and who else greets him but his archrival?_

Bowser: Mwaha! I have taken the Princess! You might get her back, but I'll try my damnedest to stop y-Ooh, a cake!

_While Bowser is distracted by the cake not actually being a lie, Mario decides to set out on a rescue. But it turns out: the doors are locked!_

Mario: Wait, a-WHAT?

Toad: Oh, we forgot to tell you, you have to collect power stars to open doors.

Mario: Mamma mia... you-a should've told-a me that BEFORE!

_So Mario embarks on a quest to collect the Power Stars, a neat little resource that, uh, powers the place. They're hidden in the paintings. Wait, PAINTINGS? Did M.C. Escher or Bob Ross have a hand in making this game or..._

_After collecting seven, Mario decides to open that big door over there. So he does. And ends up in a fight against Bowser._

Bowser: Just try and grab me by the tail! Haha! I bet you can't! You get confused easily in a three-dimensional Environment, don't you?

_Oops, looks like we forgot to mention: this game is in THREE-DEE! But despite this unforseen shift in dimensions, Mario grabs Bowser by the Tail, swings him around, and flings him onto a bomb._

Mario: So long, King Bowser!

_In actuality, Bowser didn't die from that. He's a giant turtle who can breathe fire, by the way. Wait a minute... did Mario just become Metal?_

Metal Mario: YES

_This is an unexpected event. Wait, did Mario switch his cap out with a cap with wings? And... is he FLYING? HOLY CRAP! I bet he's going to turn invisible with his next cap, too!_

Invisible Mario: boo.

_Goddammit. Anyway, Mario collects all these Power Stars (all one-hundred twenty of them) and finally faces off against Bowser (for the fifth time). And wins. _

Peach: Yay, you saved us from certain doom!

Mario: Uh... right-a.

**SUPER ENDING BROTHERS**


	26. Ultra 39: Lords of Thunder

**Ultra 64 pulls off some badass heavy metal riffs in a magical suit of armor in Lords of Thunder!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: No notes here, just good ol' fashioned condensation; the kind grandma used to make. Say hi to your uncle Simon for me, would ya?**_

_The peaceful land of Mistral………IS UNDER ATTACK!_

The People of Mistral: And we're running for our lives!

_The evil Garuda Empire is behind this madness. No, they didn't come from the Garuda islands, although if Lord of the Rings is to be believed, you don't need to be in New Zealand to have an evil medieval empire ruining things for a peaceful kingdom. _

High Priest Sornvul: Me and my six dark generals will destroy this place to make room for the evil god Zaggart, uh huh.

_With his six dark generals, Sornvul sets out to destroy Mistral. The last time this happened, chivalry was still in place, swords were still used, and Vector graphics were just being implemented in arcade games. During this time, the legendary knight Drak fought with the goddess Luxinea against Zaggart. They won, and sealed that bastard deep within the six continents of Mistral. _

Orochi: Sound familiar?

_Back in the future, the people of Mistral successfully fought back t-wait, did I say successfully? Of course they didn't stand a chance. So the last hope rested in some knight called Landis._

Landis: Hey, I'm not just _any _knight. I happen to be the last in the bloodline of Drak, Narrator.

_Sure, and I have a bridge to sell you._

Landis: I've got four magical suits of armor!

_So?_

Landis: They can fly!

_Oh please. So can Duram._

Landis: DO NOT COMPARE HIM TO ME!!!!!!!

_With that, Landis goes off and fights the evil Garuda Empire. He goes through the six continents: Dezant, Lavadara, Freezel, Ciodant, Aqual, and Shadow Realm. Wait, the swamp continent is called Shadow Realm? What kind of game is this?_

Johnny Turbo: IT'S A TURBOGRAPHX GAME, SOLDIER!

_Who said you could make a cameo in this condensation, Johnny Turbo?_

Johnny Turbo: That blue spiny rat did!

_Uh huh… I'm so going to kill Sonic one of these days. Anyway, Landis then finds himself in Wildon after defeating the guy in Shadow Realm, while Zaggart gets really angry._

Zaggart: STOP THIS KNIGHT! He's gonna ruin my plans!

_Landis, like Mr. Domino, is not stopped. He continues forth and then comes face to face with Zaggart._

Zaggart: GRRRR. I AM EXTREMELY IRATE THAT YOU MADE IT THIS FAR.

Landis: Join the club. The narrator compared me to my Sega CD variant, Duram.

Zaggart: he didn't call me Daoric, did he?

_Nope. _

Zaggart: GOOD! NOW I CAN DESTROY YOU, DURAM!!!!

…

Landis: …

Zaggart: uh oh.

_Zaggart promptly gets his ass handed to him before you can say Nectaris, and his reign over the land of Mistral is stopped. And so, the day is saved, thanks to Landis, great-great-great-great grandson of Drak.  
_

Landis: Hey! I'm his great-great-great-great-_great_ grandson.

_And all this is happening with heavy metal music in the background. ROCK ON, MISTRAL! ROCK ON! _

**LORDS OF ENDING**


	27. Ultra 38: Vectorman

**Ultra 64 leaves Earth to the robots in Vectorman!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: The original game featured a cash prize of $25,000 for… completing the game on Wicked difficulty, I'm going to assume. We're not going to reference that, nor are we going to cover Vectorman 2 in the future.**_

_In the year of our lord 2049, humans leave Earth for other planets to colonize and live on. Our home planet, however, is in dire need of fixing. This is where Orbots come in. It's their job to clean up our mess on Earth._

Raster: I'm their boss.

_Yes, he's their boss. And as their boss, you might want to stop that Orbot carrying that nuke._

Raster: What? (FZZZZZAAAAPPPPP)

_Oh great, now you've done it, Narrator. You've awakened Warhead._

Warhead: I'm going to control the orbots and kill every single human who DARES return to this planet.

_It's a good thing that I'm already here, then. And it's also a good thing that there was one surviving Orbot who didn't fall under the CPU control of Warhead. Partly because of his programming, but mostly because he wasn't even there at the time. His name was Vectorman._

Vectorman: I've got the future equivalent of a Garbage Truck. Oh, and I'm armed.

_With his awesome hand-gun thing, Vectorman sets out to restore peace to Earth. Oh, and kill Warhead, too. He transforms into a bunch of crap, including a grenade, a buggy, a fish, a hang glide-wait, A fish?_

Vectorman: What?

_So he eventually makes it past Warhead's computer HQ, and then fights Warhead himself... IN A FREAKIN' TORNADO!_

Vectorman: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Warhead: I don't think Kansas even exists anymore.

_It doesn't. While Warhead was distracted, Vectorman lands a final shot at Warhead, and he explodes. THE EARTH IS SAVED!_

Vectorman: No it isn't. There's still some more work to do.

**ENDERMAN**


	28. Ultra 37: Mega Man X8

**Ultra 64 introduces a new love interest for Zero in Mega Man X8!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: No nose here, folks.**_

_It's sometime after an alternate version of Mega Man X6, where Zero _doesn't _lock himself in a capsule for a hundred years, thereby setting the scene for the Mega Man Zero series._

Dr. Ciel: So…. Does this mean that we don't exist?

_Not in this timeline, baby. So in this future, a similar situation to a previous condensation is afoot. Robots have taken over the earth, because we humans are busy with other colonies. This time, we're on the moon. And I don't see Scrooge McDuck, so we're good. _

_Meanwhile, two cars on the newly-constructed Jakob Elevator think that they're playing Burnout 3, and one car takes the other out, causing the took out car to fall back down to earth, where it crashes in a fiery ball of fire. The newly-wussified title character Mega Man X is sent to investigate._

Mega Man X: Seriously? You guys call me down here for a car crash? I was doing some VERY important paperwork to get Signas out of here! He's really freakin' me out the way he's just… standing there, congratulating me and Zero on our successful missions nowadays.

???: AHEM

Mega Man X: Oh, and the n00b. Don't forget about the n00b from X7.

???: My name's Axl, dude.

Mega Man X: Axl the n00b from X7.

Axl: AAAARRRGGGHH!!!!

_ANYWAY. X is investigating this car crash, when he sees the legally mandated effeminate minor character, Lumine. Oh, and a bunch of Sigmas, the complete opposite of effeminate minor characters. Vegeta, what does the scouter say about the Sigma level?_

Vegeta: it's OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!

Mega Man X: What? Nine Thousand?

_Turns out, they're not really Sigmas, they're just these New Generation reploids who can morph into crap, much like Double from X4, but more advanced and less psychotic. Lumine explains how._

Lumine: We're immune to the Maverick virus.

Mega Man X: huh. I never would've imagined that my great-great-great-grand… completely unrelated people would be immune to the malevolent computer program that's been plaguing our lives and caused the deaths of several good friends of ours. And I especially don't think that Axl is the blueprint for you lot.

Axl: Actually…

Mega Man X: Never mind. You can't be serious, Lumine.

Lumine: …

Mega Man X: You are serious, aren't you?

Lumine: yes.

_It's not long before there's a mechaniloid radio problem somewhere in the Galapagos Islands. Wherein, after X, his badass blonde friend Zero, and the new guy Axl destroy that lot, they are greeted by an old friend of theirs._

Mega Man X: Dr. Cain?

Zero: Iris?

Axl: Vanishing Gungaroo?

_WRONG._

Vile: Hey, dudes! I, like, shed my purple armor and stuff and, like, replaced that with green. Sweet! Oh, and I'm, like, taking this little dude with me.

_So Vile, who has an inexplicable appearance despite disappearing after X3, the one we didn't do, kidnaps Lumine. At which point, our three intrepid android peeps head back to HQ, get Signas to resign, then meet the two newest navigators._

Layer: I'm the maverick specialist. I'm the one to go to for boss weaknesses. I also want to marry Zero.

Zero: Well, too bad. My heart belongs to a long dead friend of mine who I killed.

Layer: oh…

Zero: It's not your fault, don't worry about it.

_And Axl meets his love interest. Or the equivalent thereof._

Palette: EWWW COOTIES!

Axl: Seriously? Cooties?

Palette: I have a deathly fear of them.

_X, meanwhile, still has Alia. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Nevertheless, Mavericks are going loose. X, Zero, and Axl use the brand-new-since-X7 tag team system to take on the Maverick Lairs. The Mavericks in the Maverick Lairs all pledge allegiance to some master._

Mavericks of X8: we have the following to offer this year, our master: Maverick Hunter heads!

_Well, they all die. And after that happens, the Maverick Hunters get a call from that one bald guy._

Sigma: Hey, you guys. It's me. I've got nothing better to do, so I challenge you to a battle at the moon.

_So what the Maverick Hunters do is fight their way to the Jakob Elevator, a long and grueling travel broken up by frequent enemy spawns and Vile returning. _

Vile: Hey dudes! You'll, like, never make it to my boss, man.

_X, Zero, and Axl beg to differ, and as such kick Vile's ass. Then they head to the Gateway space station, which coincidentally is in the SAME DAMN PLACE as Final Weapon and Space Colony Eurasia were like four and three games ago, respectively._

Mega Man X: Ah, this brings back memories.

Zero: Mostly bad ones, but memories nonetheless.

Axl: What are you talking about?

Mega Man X: We'll tell you when you're older.

_They fight against the Eight AGAIN, and then accidentally trip over the self-destruct button, at which point they run like hell. Once they return to Maverick Hunter HQ, X realizes he's forgot something._

Mega Man X: I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT DR. LIGHT'S CAPSULES!

_Good thing he caught that, because they're completely different this time. So once he brings all the capsule parts back, X, Zero, and Axl head up to the Moon, the one that Phantom of Krankor lives in._

Phantom of Krankor: WE LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

_So the Maverick Hunters reach Vile first, who fights them one last time in his neat ride armor, and then they face off against Devil Sigma. Well, X runs in without any backup, and gets his ass handed to him for the trouble._

Sigma: Did you really think that would work this time?

Mega Man X: It worked for Zero back in X1.

_Suddenly, Zero and Axl show up to save his sorry ass, correct him that that tactic didn't actually work that time, and together they down Baldie._

Sigma: I'm getting too old for this.

_Lumine agrees, as it is revealed that he was behind everything alllll along._

Mega Man X: Even the Soul Eraser incident?

Zero: Even Repliforce?

Axl: Even that whole bit with Red Alert?

_Well, not exactly _every_thing._

Lumine: I am a new generation reploid. We can turn Maverick at will, which is nice. You old fogies don't even stand a chance.

Axl: Who you callin' old fogey?

_They fight. Lumine soon is defeated, but then he turns into One Winged Lumine, and promptly… gets his ass handed to him __**AGAIN**__. But, just when the Maverick Hunters think they have won…_

Lumine: LAST-DITCH TENTACLE RAPE ATTACK!

Axl: ACK!

_That dark spaghetti noodle slash severely compromised Axl's systems, and he is KO'd. Now, the maverick hunters have won. But at what cost? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!_

Mega Man X: Dude. Besides Command Mission, this is the last Mega Man X game.

_Seriously? AWESOME!_

**ENDING MAN X**


	29. Ultra 36: Final Fight

**Ultra 64 joins a brawler, a ninja, and a MAYOR in a Final Fight!**

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Incidentally, this game was originally going to be called Street Fighter '89. You can thank Capcom for nixing that idea and going on to make/popularize the fighter genre. Also, because the SNES version lacked Guy, we're focusing on the Arcade version.**_

_It is morning in Metro City, circa 1988. The mayor of the city, one Michael Haggar, gets a phone call from a mysterious force…_

Mike Haggar: wait, WHAT?

???: We have your daughter Jessica. You must give control of the city to us, an organized crime ring that will tactfully go unnamed.

Mike Haggar: And if I don't?

???: We will kill her.

_Well, the MAYOR of Metro City ain't gonna take that crap, so…_

Zeus, King of the Greek Gods: RISE FROM Y-

_We already did Altered Beast, Zeus. Anyway, Mike Haggar calls up Jessica's beatnik boyfriend Cody Travers to disclose information._

Mike Haggar: WHERE IS JESSICA?

Cody Travers: I dunno, but I have a good idea of where she could be.

Guy Bushin: Can I come too?

Cody Travers: Sure, why not?

_With their team of three assembled, Haggar, Cody, and Guy MARCH to the HQ of this organized crime ring, beating up EVERY. SINGLE. THING in their way. Thugs, bigger thugs, and metal drums are no match for the combined might of this terrible trio._

Mike Haggar: I used to be a pro wrestler before I became Mayor of Metro City. That means I can do THIS! HAGGAR HAMMER!

Casualty: NOOO! NOT THE HAGGAR HAMMER! ANYTHING BUT THAT! BWAAAAAAAAAAA (KO'd)

Cody Travers: GRAND UPPAH!

_Meanwhile, on the Streets of Rage, Axel Stone sneezed._

Guy Bushin: Special Jutsu No. 637! Flying European Swallow Carrying a Coconut by the Husk Technique!

Casualty II: (pwned)

_I forgot to mention their special moves. Whoops. The thugs are most definitely dead now. Anyway, after many many MANY thugs have been dispatched, and many chicken/turkey dinners found in metal drums consumed, Haggar, Cody, and Guy finally reach the HQ. _

Belger: BLOODY 'ELL, they're on to me! Bodyguards, get 'em!

Bodyguards: YES SIR! WE'LL DEFEAT THEM SIR! (they don't.)

Belger: DAMMIT!

_Suddenly, the door is busted down._

Mike Haggar: GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER!

Cody Travers and Guy Bushin: YEAH!

_In spite of Belger being in a wheelchair, Haggar, Cody, and Guy beat his ass down and rescue Jessica._

Jessica Haggar: My heroes!

Mike Haggar, Cody Travers and Guy Bushin: MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**ENDING FIGHT ONE**_


	30. Ultra 35: Revenge of Meta Knight

**Ultra 64 makes the Halberd its bitch in **_**Revenge of Meta Knight!**_

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: This is my first condensation parody in a long while, so bear with me. This is a scenario in Kirby Super Star, and my personal favorite, so I'm counting this as a game.**_

_The planet of Popstar is under siege by the ultimate flying battleship Halberd. Led by the fearsome puffball warrior Meta Knight, the Halberd flies across the skies of Popstar._

Meta Knight: fire those engines! We'll show Galaxia Knight who's boss!

Captain Vul: Yessir!

Jetpack Knight: Got it!

Bandana Dee: erm... what?

_So the Halberd was soaring one day on its way to where Nova was last seen, when all of a sudden Kirby shows up on a warpstar._

Meta Knight: PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!

Captain Vul: and MAKE IT DOUBLE!

_So Captain Vul readied the defenses. The joke is that Kirby totals them._

Captain Vul: RELEASE the HEAVY-what is it Bandana Dee?

Bandana Dee: I've a better idea.

Captain Vul: that so?

Bandana Dee: FIRE THOSE ENGINES! BLOW KIRBY AWAY!

Captain Vul: that's not a bad idea! Alright, you heard the pipsqueak! THRUSTERS ON!

_Meanwhile Kirby, who was in the middle of an exciting fight with some robot in front of the thrusters, noticed strange emissions coming from the jets._

Kirby: Poyo? (what is that horrible stench?)

Engines: IMMA FIRING MY ENGINES BLAAAAHHHH

_Kirby was soon blown away all the way to Grape Gardens. Meta Knight and his assorted minions celebrate, thinking that they've won._

Meta Knight: Next stop: Grape Gardens!

_Meanwhile at Grape Gardens, Kirby encounters Dynablade, a flying bird with razor-sharp wings. After kicking her tail two games ago, she decides to seek reve-WHAT?_

Kirby: Poyo! (ah, Dynablade, my old comrade.)

Dynablade: Let's fly!

_YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT KIRB-aw never mind. Surprisingly enough, Dynablade flies towards the Halberd, getting shot by a stray laser. That's what you get for not sticking to the script._

Captain Vul: Sir, Kirby's arrived. Again.

Meta Knight: Have our engines been fired?

Captain Vul: Yes, but our cannons haven't. FIRE THOSE CANNONS! BLAST KIRBY OUT OF THE SKY!

_Kirby was ready for that announcement, as he previously absorbed the Fighter ability and started wailing on said cannon, Fist of the North Star-style._

Kirby: Poyo po poyoyo poyo. (You are already dead)

_Captain Vul is not worried. He calmly sends out a warning to all crew members on the ship._

Captain Vul: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Meta Knight: Pull yourself together, man! We must hold the line! Er, make that battleship!

_Captain Vul then relays a message to Meta Knight that Kirby cannot possibly destroy the HEAVY LOBSTER._

Captain Vul: Alright, then. RELEASE the HEAVY LOBSTER!

Bandana Dee: Stop taking credit for Narrator's lines.

_But you're gonna get your own part in a Kirby game, so I would not worry too much. Anyway, Kirby gets equipped with the Suplex ability and OHKOs the HEAVY LOBSTER. (It is all caps, btw.)_

Michael Cole from the WWE Announcer Booth: This is vintage Kirby at his finest, ladies and gentlemen!

_Aren't you going to say anything about THE TWISTY ROCKETS?_

Michael Cole from the WWE Announcer Booth: No.

_Back to reality and a few Mike spasms later, Captain Vul realizes something._

Captain Vul: The reactor! We're golden as long as Kirby doesn't aim the ricocheting laser at the core!

_Unfortunately for Vul, he left the intercom mic on. Oops._

Kirby: Poyo! (So, that is my next target tonight!)

_Captain Vul scrambles his forces, while Meta Knight picks up his seven-tipped razor-sharp 1/32-scale sword and begins the preparations for his final showdown with Kirby._

Captain Vul: everyone, to the reactor room! Where are you going Sir Meta Knight?

Meta Knight: I am training to defeat Galaxia Knight, thereby becoming the greatest warrior in the galaxy. Please do not disturb me. I'll advise you from there.

Captain Vul: I shall remain loyal to the end!

_But after Kirby takes the reactor offline…_

Captain Vul: screw loyalty, I am outta here!

_Soon, everyone abandons ship. Through no fault of his own, Bandana Dee is the only one standing in the way between two fearsome puffball warriors._

Bandana Dee: I am the master strategist of Popstar!

Kirby: Poyo? (Error?)

Bandana Dee: I AM NOT ERROR!

_Bandana Dee rushes into battle, but he is select-spammed by the Plasma ability._

Elec Man: Aw come on, now! That was a glitch!

_To put it bluntly: the Halberd is screwed. Only the power of Meta Knight can save it now._

Meta Knight: hmm? (_he detects Kirby entering)_ You are a brave warrior, Kirby. Come and fight me, if you dare.

Power Stone Announcer: FINAL CHALLENGE! ARE YOU READY? ACTION!

_With Kirby using the Sword ability, and Meta Knight's expert swordsmanship in full swing, it would seem as if Meta Knight had the edge. Then Kirby nicked his mask, causing it to slash open. And you thought I would do a Scooby-Doo style Unmasking bit, right? No. I spent my famous cameo budget on Michael Cole. Anyway, Kirby falls onto a Wheelie, becoming a Wheelie Rider. As it turns out, the Halberd was about to be destroyed. And it would look like Kirby has a free ride to the Gourmet Race OF A THOUSAND FLAMES… WHEN SUDDENLY!_

Meta Knight: Kirby! You will not pass!

_Kirby passes anyway. Wait, didn't I make that joke already?_

**REVENGE OF ENDING KNIGHT**


	31. Ultra 34: Mortal Kombat 1

_**Ultra 64 finishes him in Mortal Kombat: Shinken Kourin Densetsu!**_

* * *

_**ATUHOR'S NOSE: Just so we're clear, we're referring to the original MK and not the reboot. (Shinken Kourin Densetsu is the original game's Japanese subtitle) Also, please note that I'm not a fan of the series, so don't flame me if I get stuff wrong or copypasta from the MK Movie. Most likely, that's done on purpose.**_

_Millenia ago, an order of Shaolin Monks organized Mortal Kombat, which basically is like Street Fighter but with death._

Ryu: What a ripoff.

_Don't get your headband in a twist just yet, Ryu. Soon enough, it caught the attention of a sorcerer by the name of Shang Tsung and his four armed sidekick GORO!_

10-Year-Old Ben Tennyson: oh, so _that's_ where the idea came from!

_Together, Tsung and GORO! conquer the Mortal Kombat tournament nine times out of the ten required to rule Earthrealm. Uh oh._

Liu Kang: NEVER FEAR! LIU KANG IS HERE!

_Oh goody. The main characters have arrived to save the day._

Johnny Cage: I'm a Jean-Claude Van Damme stand-in. does the splits

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE! And put out the fire in my mouth.

Sub-Zero: Scorpion killed my family, and I will pull his spinal cord out for that.

Kano: Am I Japanese or Australian? I don't know!

Sonya Blade: It's either me being the sole female on the roster, or another ninja.

Lord Rayden: That's not how you spell the Japanese children-eating thunder god of electrical powers.

_Eventually, Sonya Blade, Johnny Cage, and Liu Kang climb the tournament ladder, making their way to The Pit stage. Two frawless victories and a SUPER DEATHBROW later..._

?: HISS~! YOU MUSSSST PROVE YOURSSSELF~!

_Sonya fights the secret GREEN NINJA Reptile at the bottom of the pit, who is no pushover. After barely making it past Reptile and climbing out of the pit, our heroes come up against GORO!_

Japan Team's Goro Daimon: me?

_No not you. GORO!_

Goro: GRRR! MY PISS IS BOILED MALEVOLENCE! breaks Johnny Cage's shades

Johnny Cage: Oh it's on now.

_As GORO! and Cage create a distraction by punching each other, Liu Kang comes face to face with the sorceror Shang Tsung and pisses him off._

Shang Tsung: You make me very angry. You know what the first rule of fighting is?

Liu Kang: I was under the assumption that there wasn't any rules.

Shang Tsung: NEVER PISS OFF AN OLD KUNG FU MASTER!

_Shang Tsung blows up out of anger, and subsequently explodes quite literally. THE END! until the sequel._

**ENDING KOMBAT**


End file.
